Point-Counterpoint: Worst 5-man dodgeball team

first_imgSchmoldt’s take:To build the worst dodgeball team, it is imperative to build it around a loser-like team captain. In this case, I’ll start my team around the worst racing horse ever, Zippy Chippy. Funny name, terrible racer — he never won a race against a horse. Yes, he once beat a minor league baseball player in a race … but let’s be honest. Not only did he retire with 100 career losses, but he was booted from Finger Lakes Racetrack for failing to leave the starting gate three times in a row. If he’s got a ball flying at him, he’s probably not moving, and if he does, he’ll do it very slowly.Behind our fearful leader I have Garry Kasparov, big-time chess champion and the man who went up against various computers, including Deep Blue. He’d take so long to think about his next move that even John Daly could peg him.Next I would take Gheorghe Muresan, the man who spent less than six years in the NBA but found a way to kill his knees in that short amount of time. I remember watching him against the Bucks a decade ago. If he could barely make it down the court then, how fast is he moving now?Since Dave likes Tonya Harding, I will take her counterpart Nancy Kerrigan. I give her props for recovering to win silver after her knee was mangled. But in the end, I couldn’t listen to her every time she was hit — “Whyyyyy?” — and she wouldn’t have months to recover. Dodgeball is a year-round sport.Last, I would take Badger hockey forward Nick Licari. Don’t get me wrong, I like Licari and what he does on the ice, but he’s so used to blocking 20 shots a game that I fear that he would jump in front of the ball to save a teammate instead of try to get out of the way. Worst dodgeball team ever.McGrath’s take:My strategy for building the world’s worst dodgeball squad is centered around a simple, timeless philosophy: bigger is better because as a general rule bigger and agile usually don’t go together.The leader of my team would certainly be Konishiki Yasokichi, who at 6’1″ and 600 plus pounds is an easy target even for Schmoldt’s Zippy Chippy. Konishiki would not be much of an offensive force as he is something of a pacifist sumo. Just check out his website konishiki.net/eng, which is complete with flowers, butterflies and lots of eerie smiling photos of the svelt Samoan.John Daly would be the co-captain. Daly is listed at 5’11”, 220, but if he’s 220, then I’m the starting tailback for the University of Wisconsin football team next year. Daly will have trouble trying to dodge tosses while lighting up cigarette after cigarette. And should the chain-smoking long-drive champion actually get the ball he would surely just try to hurl it 300 yards, which would be 290 yards past his opponents.William “The Refrigerator” Perry is larger than life at 6’2″, 370 and is the most likely subject to try and eat the ball (though I wouldn’t put it past the team captain either), as he the ex-footballer has since become a professional eater.Tonya Harding is as big as female athletes come, looking more like a punching bag than a puncher during her last appearance on celebrity boxing. My team is banking on the unstable former skater either: A) Being ejected, or B) Going after her own teammates or C) being knocked out by Nancy Kerrigan (Payback!).Wrestler Hulk Hogan would round out the team as he won’t do much dodging while walking around flexing his muscles. He probably wouldn’t be up for much contact either, as this dodgeball game, while lame, is real.Coaching the team would be Don King. Once I informed him that my team had to lose, the fix would be in and any out my team recorded would be called a headshot.Defeat is mine.Go vote on who made the better point on the main Sports page!last_img read more

Continue Reading